I deserve a divorce. {a letter to my husband}

You might be confused, because this is all out of the blue, but let me explain.

I really do deserve a divorce, but not in the way you think I mean. It’s not that you’re terrible, or hard to live with. It’s actually nothing you’ve done. It’s all me. Sounds like a cliche breakup line doesn’t it? 

I don’t want a divorce. I never ever want a divorce. It’s a word and action that isn’t in our vocabulary or thoughts, no matter what we’ve fought or disagreed about. Divorce is not an option, even though I deserve one.

I deserve one because I’m a terrible wife. Really, I am. I don’t want you to try to tell me all the great things I do as a Mom and why that makes me a good wife. That’s exactly my problem. Things changed so drastically when our daughter was born, especially me. I went from being your wife first and foremost, to being Mom and Wife. I know the importance of putting marriage first and then parenting, but it’s so much harder to do than I ever thought, and frankly, the Mom side of me has been winning. I give our daughter the best I have, and you get the crumbs at the end. While crumbs can be delicious, my crumbs consist of no attention span, a lack of sense of humor, irritability, condescension, and keeping score. Not crumbs anybody would enjoy, especially after a full day of work.

You try to tell me that you can handle me, and honestly you do. You handle me in all of my failures better than anybody ever could. You go to work and become the extroverted boss you have to be in order to manage the entire development side of the company you work for. You get home exhausted from going non stop for 12 hours, and then you give me grace and forgiveness for my short temper and nagging at you. You follow it with kisses and a heartfelt I love you.

That is not what I deserve. You changed your entire life plan and married me, and had a baby with me. You gave up moving out of state for me when I selfishly changed my mind about being okay with it. I knew you always wanted to move out of Texas and live in your own town away from family. You hate the feeling of small towns, which is why you never wanted to be able to drive 20 minutes in any direction and have family around. I knew that, and I made you stay where family is 20 minutes away.

You have happily supported me in anything I wanted to do. Whether it be work an hour and a half away, work for free, or not work at all. You have held my hand through it all. When I decided I wanted a home birth, you researched with me and fully agreed. When we wound up unexpectedly in the hospital, you reassured me it was the route we needed to take for my safety. You give me what I need and want. You are genuinely kind and loving to me. 

You deserve a better wife. You deserve a wife who’s first feeling is gratitude. You deserve a wife who give you grace when you fail, the way you give me grace. You deserve a wife who speaks kindly to you with intentions of lifting you up. Your home should be a place you can recharge for the next day, and where your wife encourages that. You deserve a wife who genuinely gives you what you need. You deserve a wife who shows she loves you more than she just says it. I’m so sorry that I haven’t given you that. 

This is why I don’t want you to try to tell me I’m great. I want to change. I don’t want to be so drained when you get home that I degrade you. I don’t want to be selfish with what I need. I don’t want to punish you with a mean wife when you can’t read my mind and don’t automatically do what I want you to do. I don’t want this stupid score board of what more I’m doing for our daughter compared to you. I’m not an unbiased judge, so you never stood a chance.

I see where this leads. My actions are proof that the enemy has targeted us, and he’s driving a wedge between us through me. Nobody stays in a marriage where a spouse acts like I do. Not happily that is.  Could you actually handle a lifetime of this? You shouldn’t have to. Nobody should. I love you so much, and I don’t want to make your life miserable. I want to be that wife that I should be. I don’t want my failures to outnumber my successes when it comes to our relationship.

I’m going to better. I will greet you with a warmth when you get home that screams how much I missed you – because I do miss you, every day. I will encourage you to take time to wind down so that you have energy to be an active Daddy. I will encourage you to go for a run, because I know how much you enjoy being physically active. I will say thank you when you help around the house, with or without me asking, instead of it being an thankless expectation. I will move out of Texas with you. Any state. Any day. I will help make your dreams come true. I will listen when you speak, and not talk over you. I will stop talking with a condescending tone when we disagree. When I fail, I will ask for your forgiveness.

I don’t want the divorce I deserve. I just want you, forever. 

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